Unwinding in the storm.

Odd title.

my post titles are usually odd anyway.

I’m basically taking a very very slow and relaxed time in the midst of urgency, when i’m supposed to be panicking and not sitting down too chill. Just reflecting back at the past few days, then it became weeks, months, years. So many questions as to why it happened that way and what happened.

Its mother’s day this sunday, at least that’s what the church is doing, and i’m reading this book by Fawn Parish, Honor: What Love Looks Like.
It really opened up my eyes to see i a very big lacking in today’s community. Honor. What we do is how we live honor. Its an action. Not just a belief.

I was pondering upon the word passion. I have a friend that is very passionate about God, so passionate that as a Christian, i feel like i’m shit compared to what he does, his attitude towards God. The fire, passion. You could feel it from a far, the moment you enter the room. But as much as he’s on fire, it was so hot that touching it would hurt so bad. Not so good.

why?

When Moses encounter God through when he saw the burning bush, the bush was on fire (obviously). But it never got burnt. There was a sense of goodness from that fire. Unquenchable, yet it doesn’t burn. It gives light and it didn’t burn the carrier in which, was the bush.

Passion without compassion is like shooting a boar without thinking what to do with the boar. What was the purpose of hunting at the first place if its not to feed. What’s the purpose of being so crazy for something if it wouldn’t benefit anyone.

Compassion.

I was doing my assignment at Starbucks the other day at the high chairs row where it was facing the streets outside. There’s a pathway around if for people to walk and enter the mall. As i was busy doing my typing my things, i saw a general cleaner lady sweeping the pathway in front of me. He couldn’t see me or at least, she probably ignored. But my eyes were fixed at her, just looking at her sweeping the pathways. Her hair was a mix of white hair and black, wrinkles on her face, with a very tired look. Looking at her sweeping and picking rubbish at the puddle of water just reminded me of how my mom wanted to be a cleaner few months after my dad passed away, wanting to find a way to earn some income.

At that point, my heart felt like it was stabbed with a dagger. Short, sharp, suffer, stuck.

I had compassion for such a random woman, at the same time, i dishonor my mom by raising my voice, ignoring her reminder to come back early, skip lunch or dinner when i could knowing she has cooked and everything. Times when i’m frustrated for not being able to buy things just because my dad has passed away (yes i had my time of being childish), and its not just me, but the rest of my siblings does that.

I am ashamed of being compassionate towards the people i randomly see in the streets but not able to love my mom as how i wish i could’ve loved them. Honor. How love looks like. I won’t even talk about honoring God. its… brutal.

The day before, i was on facebook, just looking at the post on the recent GE in this country, and there’s also the part where rumours (i believe its true) that phantom voters were brought in and allegedly paid by the ruling party to cast vote in favor of them, and most of them are Bangladeshis. I can’t say anything much but not blaming them. They looked clueless. My friends updated me that there’s a vid where one of the Bangladeshi cried as the crowd were mocking him for voting. What would he know! He’s just someone who was ordered by his supervisor whosoever that gets more money than them! They live in a box like sardines in a can. They’re dying to live. Struggling. I really pity them. They get punished for things they didn’t ask for.

I posted a link on my facebook about the Bangladeshi Factory incident, where the whole factory building just collapsed. Filled with people. The photographer said it like this,

Every time I look back to this photo, I feel uncomfortable — it haunts me. It’s as if they are saying to me, we are not a number — not only cheap labor and cheap lives. We are human beings like you. Our life is precious like yours, and our dreams are precious too.

Read more: http://lightbox.time.com/2013/05/08/a-final-embrace-the-most-haunting-photograph-from-bangladesh/#ixzz2SvIJRJcN

I couldn’t feel any more convicted that i have, i had, did, thought of them as just numbers.

Nothing is worst if you see another human as just statistics. Another indian, another immigrant.

Call this sympathy or whatever but i am so… so so sad, and convicted.

These are fathers and mothers that’s dying to find income for their children. A child like myself.
i am in no position to treat them unequal. I wish to honor them the same as i honor others.

i’m done.

So, passion meets compassion equals to great action=Heidi Baker, Mother Teresa, and more.

my prayer is still to bring healing upon those who need it. Be it physical, to the matters of the broken hearted. Let healing take place.

But i guess i need to get my own healed.

Breaking it all.

In moments like this,

i sing out a song.

a song of desperation, a song of sorrow and  a song of romance.

Brokenness never felt so good.

especially you know when you’re in good hands.

How i just wish to stay in this presence right now. Super, super, super nice.

where all worries are just swept away in the beauty of the presence, i’m raptured.

so lost in it.

 

 

Blues on Writing.

Its been awhile i just have a time with my blues.

Blues that i haven’t put out for quite some time. In pursuit for more of God, its just amazing, the things he has shown me. Sometimes i just wonder why i’m created to experience the many moments he’s unfold in my life.

But here’s a part of me, that He knows very well. So very well. 

Just listening to some old favs from my fav guitar man.

Something familiar with every human being on earth is one thing. Pain. I believe its something that God has to come down to experience for Himself that pain is the only thing that kept human from being able to be like God. Because God experienced no pain.
Ever since then, it was literally, He himself suffered what we suffered before. Explicitly. The worst.

So i guess this part of my life, is something i painfully cherish, miss, and just pray for the best in everything she takes on. Knowing she could be so much awesome-er. She’s one in a million. Seeing her makes my heart go crazy. I kid you not. You’ve never seen your heart beat so hard that you could see it visibly on your chest. My chest. I’ve seen it! It beats so crazy xD

But its one of the greatest moment in my life so far. =) in terms of, probably, feelings, going all out for someone. Its just, an amazing experience.
Pain makes it more alive. The good and sweet moments was made into gold from the pain that we’ve been through.
I could remember the touch, everything.

Her Christmas Card is still with me. lol. and some more. Some of the members of the cell watched a video made by Ian many many years ago. I went away, yet i could hear her voice. Felt a part of my heart just went twisted.

just saw her, few days ago. it could’ve been the best moment of my life. But its just a passing by only.

now.

so saddened, things may not go my way… Yet so much hope for a better future. I guess this is life. Living a life full of hope, so anxious of what would unfold tomorrow. =)

Now, God, thank you for such memories and allowing such things to happen to me.  <3

 

Failing Frustrations.

Days of frustrations.

After many days of frustrations after many few situations, i come to a conclusion that frustration really means the emotions that comes after the fact that things couldn’t be achieved to its potential (in my context its about potential). To my surprise, i went up and asked Mr.Google what it means, and thefreedictionary.com basically explains it as

the feeling that accompanies an experience of being thwarted in attaining your goals

Not saying i’m smart or anything, but its stupid that i’ve to learn what it means to be frustrated all over again.

So all the frustrations let loose for the past few days hasn’t been good, but it really did open up perspectives on a few things such as how sometimes we just have to be blunt to individuals to make them know that they’re doing things wrongly.
The only good thing from the past weeks is that, keeping unity is one thing, but to compromise things for the sake of comfort at the cost of excellence and functionality, deceived by the idea of unity is comfort and gentle, is totally not what it means in unity.

Hence, frustrations.
The potential, is so vast.

Frustrations, it arises when you know, somebody, someone, can do better than they think they could. Because you just know. If only, IF only they could see what they could do with their life and talents they have, the ability, and everything, that they could do wonders.

* lies down on bed, drained, exhausted*

 

God, why such visions you gave upon me, so … big. Give me the grace and strength to carry such burden to come to pass. Not mine, but Your will be done. Sigh.
despite the quietness, you’re still in my mind. *urgh, so cliche* =) have a blessed day!

 

Call for Desperation

How ironic. Desperate to be desperate.

That’s how today was.

It was a cry within to just remind myself that i shouldn’t be afraid to get going and do things just because it is a big responsibility. Change takes risk. Change needs the risk. Risk is the deposit before any change could happen. Born and bred in a risk averse society, i guess that’s normal not to change but go with the flow of how the community works, conform to the proven way.
I’m desperate to be desperate again, at least feel the desperation. It seems like when my mind is filled with things of school, assignments and etc, i automatically become this ‘robot’, ‘work it because i have to’ kinda person although i’ve been improving (not bragging, but just a self check makes me sure i did changed in this matter, a bit) with my time management, and bits of putting my heart in everything. So, there’s this desperation for a desperation. More of a desperation for courage to not be afraid of being desperate and to carry that burden to see dreams come true, to invest into the life of others even if they are very needy, fragile, sensitive, nonsense, and just messed up at times. God’s grace that was given, i can. Just that i’m afraid.

And after today,

i’m just gonna be aware, always always always try to remind myself of my phone.

It’s like…

if anyone calls me for emergency whatsoever and i somehow, was busy doing something i.e, playing guitar, and because of me wasn’t looking at my phone, and the person… whatsoever nothing good happens, i will blame myself for the rest of my life.

It goes back to the point of appreciating those around you, your family, friends, whosoever that your world is connected to, who your world is, and who means the world to you. Its a reminder, a good one, at least for me. Just couldn’t imagine what i would be if things were to happen like that again and its not something i wish to experience.

I’m done for the night.

I miss dad, especially now.
Honestly, i can never understand how God becomes the comforter of the widows and the Father to the fatherless. For i’m living under the same roof as them, and i feel the pain at times.

 

 

 

It has been a while.

Hi plate of kanmien.

Degree, 2nd year, 2nd sem started.
After many months since i withdrew from last semester.
So many events, incidents, whatsoever ‘fire’ has happened in this lil life of mine, yet i’m still alive.

I’m still holding back a lot of things.
despite the changes, i’m far from being able… to do things. but here’s to dying-to-live.

Hope you’re doing well. Wherever you are.
God bless.

 

Fragrance.

In the quiet, in the stillness,
in the secret, in the silence.

I have a longing, a void, a terrible dissonance.

in every season, i know You love me.
Its worth it.