selfish

January 19th, 2012 § Leave a Comment

i’ve been selfish…

have i lose it?

Faith.works.

Hope. endless.

Love. unfailing.

me, kneeling. restore…

there are so many things byond these few words… three words.. and how it means the world to me. and i thought i did what was best… i thought. embrace it josh.

*just some random emo post*

continuation

I’ve learnt something new. i’ve realized something new about myself… and i guess by now, i think only a few close friends, or yeah, realizes this about me far earlier than i do.

I’ve learnt something really, really important about giving in, and sacrificing.

When it comes to sacrificing things, materials, it only require a one sided view or sacrifice.

But when it comes to a join material sacrifice, like for example, husband and wife, giving charity, to a certain amount of money. Husband can’t give money just because he felt like “oh, its charity”. Wife could go like, ”my dear, that’s not just your money. That’s my money as well. I worked for it. Don’t i have a say in it as well?” that kind of thing.

Its something similar to that, but in a very… sigh. i don’t know how to put it.

Sometimes, its better not to be the Mr.Nice Guy and try to sacrifice your own self for others. its like” i’ll catch a grenade for you to be with that person, i can take this! don’t worry!- kinda thing. Its being self sacrificial for self glory. its so bad. i never realized this… i never knew. i just realized how stupid it is to be in this position and doing such a thing when it hurts the other as well.

I really, have no idea i would do such a thing, or realized that i was doing it the whole time.

Love is also putting your own life for others but i guess, in a smart way and not a self glorification thing.
I had a time of reflecting my doings and what i did went wrong, or why things didn’t go the right way…
I prayed to God that He’ll restore all things that went bad, but that wasn’t so important if i don’t see what was my mistake. I Didn’t take the other person’s feelings into consideration. It was because i assumed. There you go. I ASSUMED.

This wasn’t the first time.

It was this stupid facade of trying to be Mr.Good Nice guy-i-will-sacrifice-myself-for-others kinda feeling.

I could feel my heart crushing as i’m typing this now. If i don’t type it, i wouldn’t learn from it, and may it be a good, Lesson? for others as well, not to be ignorant just because you’re in a tight situation, when the other is in it as well. It has been my weakness… and i should’ve been more aware of what i was doing. now i’m just… here.

it could’ve been worse… but it could’ve been prevented, and i don’t wish for this to happen again…

So many things are happening this week. For the first time in my life, i’m leading worship in church. I knew i went through a turbulence the first time i had to lead in a combined YA meeting, and that week was hell as well, but this is freaking difficult. The things that happen when you’re about to do something great. it takes you down so you won’t step up. and worse when it comes from your own doing, your own mistake.

This is my first month of the year, its not even full yet, so many things has happened. Though some of it are rough, and yes, obviously i caused a lot of trouble, i guess i better learn it now or never. I didn’t realize i was being really selfish in deciding certain things, and i thought it was what’s best for the situation.

Now i’m just speechless. i just wanna be there again.

At least, i now know, there’s something i couldn’t live without.

oooh. and i had my first valentine! though it was no where near perfection, God totally was behind everything! i couldn’t explain here, but maybe on 14th of Feb itself. but i had mine! FOR THE FIRST TIME! OMG. something to make me smile in the midst of terribleness.