untitled heart.

Imagine everyday, you could feel your weaknesses being tested each and every single day. Each and every day. It is being tested like there was never ending to it. And every single time you overcome it, there’ll be a bigger one coming your way, and after that, a bigger one, till the day  you’ve died, you’ll constantly be fighting these Goliath that tries to take you down through little things that ticks you off.

A friend of mine pointed out something interesting today. She said that my main weakness was girls. At one point, i thought i was having that as my weakness. But i realized, its not just any other girls. You’ve heard quotes like “you are my sunshine” or “you bring me up, you throw me down”? Exactly. That’s my weakness.

I’ve been talking about my feelings for quite some time, but i tell you, once you’re passionate about something or someone, you wouldn’t realized it but you just want to talk about it/her/him the whole time. If there’s a free time, you want to check her FB, her tweets, her blog, her everything that has to do with that person or field. You just wanna know more about her! i wanna know more about her, i wanna know what she things, what she loves, what she hates, what she does, how she does things, when she does it, everything!

You do it out of love, out of faith, out of the overflowing love, gratitude. And that’s how its supposed to be with Jesus. If i really love Jesus, i’ll completely let go of the old, and take hold of the new. The old habits will need to be discarded, the garbage, the nonsense, the immorality, the lustful desires of the heart, and many more garbage which we took in our life as we live this journey. We hold on to things we thought as important, in reality, they’re actually things that fades away overtime and sometimes disappoint us. That includes our own pride, our own achievement, work, people, etc, making them all felt like you wouldn’t be able to live without, but in fact, those are all gimmick to say that you’re incapable to live alone, when in truth, you were never alone to start. Sometimes, or most of the time i thought go through problems no one has ever been before, but in fact i am completely wrong. We’ve all been blinded by things that distract us from getting the truth.

She wanted to go for YA, but in the end, she didn’t. She wants to stop smoking but invitations to hang out pops out. So many problems all of a sudden. Things seemed to be like a whirlwind, out of nowhere it sweeps you over. Her bf came back, and there she goes.. I could only watch and pray for her wellness. It feels helpless. Really. Words that she said became the pillars i hold on every day. At times it felt like it broke and it got repaired again. What i see contradicts what she says. But yet, i kept on putting fuel to that fire, those words, kept on believing. 

If what of true value for you, wouldn’t you let go of the rest and go for what you thought was important?
Things are harder to decide and done.I know how that feels. And i hope you know how i felt.

What has been amazing for my walk with Jesus so far, is that, in every situation, the lowest especially, He showed me things i’ve never seen before, and when there seems to be no hope, and honestly hopes are one of the things i try so hard not to entertain or tried to kill, because i’m so afraid of getting disappointed. Hope became so prominent. Faith became the connecting bridge. And love became the foundation of the things i do. For things i’ve left hanging, i want to start again. And start it right and finish right. Let Jesus be the foundation of the things i’m building my trust in. In my studies, relationship, work, friends, family, ministry.

And no more saying “i love you”. 

I still couldn’t grasp this phrase. I’m sorry, if i’ve said this to you before. i won’t say it anymore… unless you ask. i’ll tell you. I’ll make sure you feel loved.

I’ve typed all this, and you probably be thinking of hypocrisy after that. THese things i wrote, are my experiences and things i’ve gotten out of the situation i went through. So, its all the past tense. The future are things i hoped for. and i’ve learnt another way to say i love you.

Done.

xx

I’ll buy you chocolates, i’ll pick you up so you won’t drive, i’ll give you surprises, i’ll stay awake and make sure you be home safe, i’ll be helping with whatever i can, i’ll buy you things you never even asked, i’ll get so many chocolates for you, i’ll buy you flowers when you wished for none, i’ll get you handwritten cards, i’ll make sure you’re encouraged every start of your day and week, i’ll be there for you to lash out when you’re angry, i’ll carry you when you’re weak, i’ll make sure the lights are off when you sleep, i’ll sing if i have to make you sleep, i’ll say sorry if i made you angry, i’ll keep on trusting even though i know you lied, i forgive you although i hate it, i’ll keep quite things i saw that hurt me, but if i can’t, please forgive me. I’ll make sure, i smell nice. and this, i wish you know this by heart, i tell you the worst of me, and will give you the best of me, because you deserve no less. 

Advertisement