Rediscovering again.
x.

Psalm 31.

turn to your bible, and read through it.

You’ll notice something about this person. He’s so depressed and sad, that he’s being attacked by his enemies, and worse, a laughing stock to his enemies. He waits for God in everything that he prays for, things that he do. He wait for Him in dire needs, in troubled times. Well, this whole psalm was this persona dying for something to happen. He begs, cries, wishes he not be put to shame for believing in God. With the world as it is today, many are shameful for God.

⁹ Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am in trouble;
         My eye wastes away with grief, 
         Yes, my soul and my body!
 ¹⁰ For my life is spent with grief,
         And my years with sighing; 
         My strength fails because of my iniquity, 
         And my bones waste away.

despite all these worries, upsets, sadness, broken and exhaustion, this closes the chapter.

²³ Oh, love the LORD, all you His saints!
         For the LORD preserves the faithful, 
         And fully repays the proud person.
 ²⁴ Be of good courage,
         And He shall strengthen your heart, 
         All you who hope in the LORD.

again. Hope.Faith. and in everything, LOVE.

A friend of mine pointed out something interesting today. She said that my main weakness was girls. At one point, i thought i was having that as my weakness. But i realized, its not just any other girls. You’ve heard quotes like “you are my sunshine” or “you bring me up, you throw me down”? Exactly. That’s my weakness.

I’ve been talking about my feelings for quite some time, but i tell you, once you’re passionate about something or someone, you wouldn’t realized it but you just want to talk about it/her/him the whole time. If there’s a free time, you want to check her FB, her tweets, her blog, her everything that has to do with that person or field. You just wanna know more about her! i wanna know more about her, i wanna know what she things, what she loves, what she hates, what she does, how she does things, when she does it, everything!

You do it out of love, out of faith, out of the overflowing love, gratitude. And that’s how its supposed to be with Jesus. If i really love Jesus, i’ll completely let go of the old, and take hold of the new. The old habits will need to be discarded, the garbage, the nonsense, the immorality, the lustful desires of the heart, and many more garbage which we took in our life as we live this journey. We hold on to things we thought as important, in reality, they’re actually things that fades away overtime and sometimes disappoint us. That includes our own pride, our own achievement, work, people, etc, making them all felt like you wouldn’t be able to live without, but in fact, those are all gimmick to say that you’re incapable to live alone, when in truth, you were never alone to start. Sometimes, or most of the time i thought go through problems no one has ever been before, but in fact i am completely wrong. We’ve all been blinded by things that distract us from getting the truth.

She wanted to go for YA, but in the end, she didn’t. She wants to stop smoking but invitations to hang out pops out. So many problems all of a sudden. Things seemed to be like a whirlwind, out of nowhere it sweeps you over. Her bf came back, and there she goes.. I could only watch and pray for her wellness. It feels helpless. Really. Words that she said became the pillars i hold on every day. At times it felt like it broke and it got repaired again. What i see contradicts what she says. But yet, i kept on putting fuel to that fire, those words, kept on believing. 

If what of true value for you, wouldn’t you let go of the rest and go for what you thought was important?
Things are harder to decide and done.I know how that feels. And i hope you know how i felt.

What has been amazing for my walk with Jesus so far, is that, in every situation, the lowest especially, He showed me things i’ve never seen before, and when there seems to be no hope, and honestly hopes are one of the things i try so hard not to entertain or tried to kill, because i’m so afraid of getting disappointed. Hope became so prominent. Faith became the connecting bridge. And love became the foundation of the things i do. For things i’ve left hanging, i want to start again. And start it right and finish right. Let Jesus be the foundation of the things i’m building my trust in. In my studies, relationship, work, friends, family, ministry.

And no more saying “i love you”. 

I still couldn’t grasp this phrase. I’m sorry, if i’ve said this to you before. i won’t say it anymore… unless you ask. i’ll tell you. I’ll make sure you feel loved.

I’ve typed all this, and you probably be thinking of hypocrisy after that. THese things i wrote, are my experiences and things i’ve gotten out of the situation i went through. So, its all the past tense. The future are things i hoped for. and i’ve learnt another way to say i love you.

Done.

xx

I’ll buy you chocolates, i’ll pick you up so you won’t drive, i’ll give you surprises, i’ll stay awake and make sure you be home safe, i’ll be helping with whatever i can, i’ll buy you things you never even asked, i’ll get so many chocolates for you, i’ll buy you flowers when you wished for none, i’ll get you handwritten cards, i’ll make sure you’re encouraged every start of your day and week, i’ll be there for you to lash out when you’re angry, i’ll carry you when you’re weak, i’ll make sure the lights are off when you sleep, i’ll sing if i have to make you sleep, i’ll say sorry if i made you angry, i’ll keep on trusting even though i know you lied, i forgive you although i hate it, i’ll keep quite things i saw that hurt me, but if i can’t, please forgive me. I’ll make sure, i smell nice. and this, i wish you know this by heart, i tell you the worst of me, and will give you the best of me, because you deserve no less. 

as if it didn’t hit me enough.

Tonight’s cell was about PASSION.

I just realized, King David is such a passionate man. I never actually looked at it in a big picture. Psalms, who wrote most of it? DAVID. For someone that wrote psalms, he must be emo and passionate about what he was doing. He’s a warrior (strong), king (royalty), judge (wisdom), psalmist (creative), husband (lover), and the best of all, God said he’s a person after His own heart. That’s one passionate man.

I can’t imagine how crazy you could be, so passionate about something, besides dying for it… like what i see on the news. Suicide bombings, sports, but even those, some of em are completely wrong and passionate for different things. Guess what, 1 awesome fact… the word passion, one of its meaning is a representation or basically saying that passion, pictures the suffering and dying of Jesus Christ, on the cross. OMG. its in the dictionary!  and people take passion so lightly. including myself.

1 Samuel 17:26-37

But what really stood out to me was… to be passionate about something, first you have to fall in love with it. person.
Then,

1. Passionate people don’t care what other people think.
2. Passionate people, DON’T GIVE UP.
3. Passionate people are compassionate.

there are more to what was typed up here. I could only read and expect myself to do it… but the fact of the matter is, i’ve failed, all three.

After cell group, we planned to watch movie at G’s place, and i decided to take a ride with Alan’s car (he modified quite a bit on that wira) =). As we were talking about cars, i realized, he’s really passionate about it. He can’t stop talking about it. Even if we just take a break in between conversations, he’ll come with a follow up, on cars. One thing i realized, passionate people are contagious. Their passion tend to overflow and makes you get infected. I’m pretty much caught the disease on car, and so pumped up to find a Honda Civic! (so ah beng i know but i love that car, like how some love Minis..)

Its really inspiring. For me.

I thought it was just some action filled movie just steel smashing steel and stuff, but it was, somehow connected to PASSION as well. urgh. i shouldn’t have watched it. But i did. And it did me some good.

When the father sent his son away to the new foster parents, the kid was so upset and didn’t wanna talk to him. The father kept on asking why and telling why he did it and everything, but it all seems to be for the wrong reason, till the son looked at him and told him, “all i wanted was just for you to fight for me“.

How often have i fought for something i really loved?
When was the last time i produced something out of passion?
I don’t even know whether i’m passionate for things i used to say i’m so passionate about.
Love, passion, it connects. Standing up for something i believe in, defending someone i wish for.
Have i ever fought for someone i love?

God can be a joker sometimes, but i guess it could be His way of telling me, to really search my heart, question it for what is true and what’s useless and not supposed to be in, and to stop giving so many facades to someone you know you can be true and sincere with.

*i love the word facade.*

i’m actually… sigh. God, passion huh? Thanks. A lil heads up earlier with these explanation probably would change the course of what i’m going through. But i guess, i wouldn’t take what You taught me tonight seriously, or at least, those pointed out.
Thank You God. Thank You… i’ll embrace this.

Thank You.

not even close.

accident: no idea. quite a few times when i was a really small kid. got cut on my forehead and had to be sewn(is that what they call it?)
car accident: i think it was 2008. i was late to pick up my brother from the airport, i got into a self accident at a roundabout, causing a whole shit of traffic jam. i drifted. bang. =)just one a half month after i got my ‘P’ license.

guitar: primary… 3-4? some cheap ass guitar but with lots of memories… nostalgic, sentimental values. Dad!

bass: Form 3. i had to score 5 A’s for a five string bass, but i instead, scored, SIX! =D but i still chose a 5 string bass.

Love- at first sight: yes, first sight. i don’t believe it either. God makes fun of me with this. and her too.

Kiss: CHURCH. YES! OMG. hilarious i tell u… but no kiss can take that away. not until i get married i guess? its etched in me. and i don’t wish it to be removed. It was the perfect kiss. Can i say that? yes. *not bullshitting, and don’t be jealous*

Cig: in 2009. Marlboro Black Menthol. Fav.

Beer: everyday is the first beer. lol.

omg, i can’t remember much of my firsts until u ask me face to face. these are some of the, or somehow the closes drawers in my mind for me to pick up and remember. i’m sorry, but yes.

But there were many regrets of firsts that i had as well… some things i wished i never discovered, and some things, i wished it could have been done and dealt better..But the greater the darkness, the greater the light that overcomes it right? =) *that’s hope right there*

There are so many more firsts in my life, sometimes, it felt like i don’t have much time to go for it. The dreams and wishes to come true, so many. Like my first million. and my wife. =) and my first born child! OMG. *lol*

and my Husky pet dog, and my awesome nice Kayan(Porsche Cayenne) car, the cute lil house(too big, my wife and i will feel so small for a big house till we produce kids like cheap factories/ manufacturers of whatever).
k, i’m wayyyy too far.

i’m just preoccupying my mind from something else.

Good morning. have a great day at work people. Hugs, kisses. Misses. Loves.

have i lose it?

Faith.works.

Hope. endless.

Love. unfailing.

me, kneeling. restore…

there are so many things byond these few words… three words.. and how it means the world to me. and i thought i did what was best… i thought. embrace it josh.

*just some random emo post*

continuation

I’ve learnt something new. i’ve realized something new about myself… and i guess by now, i think only a few close friends, or yeah, realizes this about me far earlier than i do.

I’ve learnt something really, really important about giving in, and sacrificing.

When it comes to sacrificing things, materials, it only require a one sided view or sacrifice.

But when it comes to a join material sacrifice, like for example, husband and wife, giving charity, to a certain amount of money. Husband can’t give money just because he felt like “oh, its charity”. Wife could go like,  ”my dear, that’s not just your money. That’s my money as well. I worked for it. Don’t i have a say in it as well?” that kind of thing.

Its something similar to that, but in a very… sigh. i don’t know how to put it.

Sometimes, its better not to be the Mr.Nice Guy and try to sacrifice your own self for others. its like” i’ll catch a grenade for you to be with that person, i can take this! don’t worry!- kinda thing. Its being self sacrificial for self glory. its so bad. i never realized this… i never knew. i just realized how stupid it is to be in this position and doing such a thing when it hurts the other as well.

I really, have no idea i would do such a thing, or realized that i was doing it the whole time.

Love is also putting your own life for others but i guess, in a smart way and not a self glorification thing.
I had a time of reflecting my doings and what i did went wrong, or why things didn’t go the right way…
I prayed to God that He’ll restore all things that went bad, but that wasn’t so important if i don’t see what was my mistake. I Didn’t take the other person’s feelings into consideration. It was because i assumed. There you go. I ASSUMED.

This wasn’t the first time.

It was this stupid facade of trying to be Mr.Good Nice guy-i-will-sacrifice-myself-for-others kinda feeling.

I could feel my heart crushing as i’m typing this now. If i don’t type it, i wouldn’t learn from it, and may it be a good, Lesson? for others as well, not to be ignorant just because you’re in a tight situation, when the other is in it as well. It has been my weakness… and i should’ve been more aware of what i was doing.  now i’m just… here.

it could’ve been worse… but it could’ve been prevented, and i don’t wish for this to happen again…

So many things are happening this week. For the first time in my life, i’m leading worship in church. I knew i went through a turbulence the first time i had to lead in a combined YA meeting, and that week was hell as well, but this is freaking difficult. The things that happen when you’re about to do something great. it takes you down so you won’t step up. and worse when it comes from your own doing, your own mistake.

This is my first month of the year, its not even full yet, so many things has happened. Though some of it are rough, and yes, obviously i caused a lot of trouble, i guess i better learn it now or never. I didn’t realize i was being really selfish in deciding certain things, and i thought it was what’s best for the situation.

Now i’m just speechless. i just wanna be there again.

At least, i now know, there’s something i couldn’t live without.

oooh. and i had my first valentine! though it was no where near perfection, God totally was behind everything! i couldn’t explain here, but maybe on 14th of Feb itself. but i had mine! FOR THE FIRST TIME! OMG. something to make me smile in the midst of terribleness.

take care x.

a new song to sing!! teehee..

Thanking God, in a loud voice he cried out.
In tears, mixed up feelings, he let out his breath shouting at the top of his lungs.
Even breaking up don’t feel like it was close to this.
It was not even the breaking of heart,
But knowing he had no other choice.
The right thing to do, wasn’t the easiest thing to be.

“Here i am, Father. Let Your will be done!”
At that point, he could only thought of that, and just saying thank you,
because he knew, his life was not his own anymore.

Find rest my soul, in You alone.

letting go, but this love, it will stay. i’ll keep. cherish. and wait. Faith, Hope, Love. remember?

When I look into your eyes
It’s like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There’s so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you’ve come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

And when you’re needing your space
To do some navigating
I’ll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

‘Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We’ve got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it
No, I won’t give up

I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you’re still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m not
And who I am

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up
Still looking up.

I won’t give up on us (no I’m not giving up)
God knows I’m tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We’ve got a lot to learn (we’re alive, we are loved)
God knows we’re worth it (and we’re worth it)

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

French kiss,

peck,

making out

.

u name it

but it ain’t love if the heart is not right.

I’ve been in situations where i got confused between love, and lust.
my lips brought out loving words, yet my heart desires one thing.

When God moved my heart, to observe and experience the way He loves His people, i didn’t realized love was not just a single sacrifice, but a sacrifice and a surrendering of self to the person you love. You breath, think, talk, move for, to, based on that person’s perception.

Total surrender.

Like the story between the pig and the chicken.

Chicken: shucks, owner wants an egg every single day, just because he likes to eat fried eggs. damn.
Pig: oh yeah, i need to give him bacon tomorrow.

The chicken sacrifice something he produce, and that’s about it. But the pig, had a commitment. He surrendered (well, rather no choice). But in the world i’m living today, love can be defined in a few words, in a few actions. Commitment is just, can be done in a few seconds like texting or calling. That’s about it. Give some cash for pocket money, to eat, that’s it. done. Break up? find another one. all the same thing again.

I live in a generation where sex is an expression, just an expression. It has no weight to anything.

I live in a generation where sex is a currency.

I live in a generation where love is just sensual.

I live in a generation where love is about getting high, and there are no such thing as lows. Although they say it, they crash when they hit it. Literally crushed.

I live in a generation of love that could be anywhere, anyone, more than one.

I live in a generation of love that said it is committed, but when its actually not.

Yet i still experience God’s love. so deep, so amazing. The deeper and worst the wounds of my heart due to the sins i did, the deeper His love goes. And its not just a one day thing, its constantly coming. Every day, there’s always something new. Like today. Every shop i needed to go, there’s always a parking right in front of it! its small, but it was amazing!.

But you really put faith, to test when you love. Believe me. Its taxing, but after that, all you feel is just beauty. You could feel beauty, no longer by seeing. its that amazing.

How shitty my situation would be, i pray that my hope will stay in Him, not on myself, or anyone.

Like a sloppy wet kiss, that’s how much He loves us.

SO, i have this really favorite ride which was the thingy that drops all of a sudden after sending you up high high for minutes. It will just DROP you down and at that moment, you couldn’t even shout (i could only shout the 2nd time after). My lungs felt the sudden change of attitude and my ribs had a sudden jam which made me breathless for a moment before reaching the bottom then up again for the ‘reverb’. Its awesome.

The other ride was the CORKSCREW OMG!. its the Corkscrew Roller Coaster. It has a corkscrew part *like a… =.=, corkscrew* where you zoom through this rail that makes you go upside down and not just once, but twice! Starting from the top and going at high speed. I could feel my whole body pulled by gravity when i was right in the middle of the corkscrew. I thought i was about to die but nope. Because. =.=

on the 19-21st of Dec last year, i joined the YA and Youth church camp. Organized by the YA leaders, that includes me as well, we went to Similajau National Park in Bintulu. A venue where you could enjoy the breeze from the South China Sea, surrounded by the beach forest with Malaysian pine trees, monkeys, and… whatever.

The main theme throughout the camp was this- Discipleship.

Big word huh?

Imagine the actions to live up to that word.

Ever since that day, in less than 3 weeks, life has been a roller coaster ride. It was so crazy, scary, to the point i cried and knelt down to stop everything from going on. It felt like i could die already because i’ve tasted the high part of the ride. But i was actually going through another corkscrew in life, there was more to come.

And the hardest part of going through the lows, was to give thanks.

It was difficult. I’ve sung many songs about surrendering but when it comes to surrendering something, someone, in an area of your life, a treasure to you, to me, it was the most difficult time, a struggle not with anyone but it was a battle with myself.

I’ve never came across an experienced where i thought i was talking to another person inside my head. But this is where i’ve learned to discerned whose voice i’m supposed to listen to. Its difficult at first but what i had to do was rest my feet, take a rest, be still, and focused to the still voice that builds. The voice that reassures. The voice that controls. The voice that lift us up from the low that we’re at.

It was a random thought but i was reflecting on the past few weeks, looking for a word to be a somewhat a slogan, or a hint for this year’s journey.

EMBRACE.

that’s the word for this year. I’ll learn to embrace. Be it the good situation, the bad situation, or the Godly calling. I’ll try to embrace it. Eventually i’ll obey.

God, You did it again. This one’s for you.
Thank You God. Thank you.

Faith. Hope. Love.