run, every morning.

run, every evening. for the next… 3 weeks.

What’s gonna happen?

Taeyang, Rain, Hugh Jackman…

So be it.

btw, as i was doing my devotion today… out of nowhere while i’m praying… this played:

sigh.. sh.

Reading at the materials, i pretty much scored 100% at doing what i shouldn’t be doing. Full marks for the wrong things. Then flipping those pages to preparing myself for whatever its worth-marriage, oh my God help me, in the things i need to get rid off.

then there’s this excerpt i read…

I quoted the following poem by Lena Lathrop in my book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. (I’ve since learned that the original title was “A Woman’s Answer to a Man’s Question”). It had been a while since I’d read it, but I shared it this past Sunday at the conclusion of my sermon from 1 Peter 3:7. It went hand in hand with the text which reads: “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”–1 Peter 3:7 (ESV)

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thingEver made by the hand above–
A woman’s heart, and a woman’s life
And a woman’s wonderful love?

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy,
Demanding what others have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy?

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Man-like you have questioned me;
Now stand at the bar of my woman’s soul
Until I shall question thee.

You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart to be true as God’s stars,
And as pure as heaven your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef;
I require a far better thing.
A seamstress you’re wanting for socks and shirts;
I look for a man and a king.

A king for the beautiful realm called home,
And a man that the maker, God,
Shall look upon as he did the first
And say, “It is very good.”

I am fair and young, but the rose will fade
From my soft, young cheek one day,
Will you love me then ‘mid the falling leaves,
As you did ‘mid the bloom of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and deep,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give all this, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot do this — a laundress and cook
You can hire, with little to pay,
But a woman’s heart and a woman’s life
Are not to be won that way.

While i was in Bario, our team met with one girl, just one year younger than me. She has faith greater than all of the leaders combined. I never felt so dwarfed before. Spiritually dwarfed.

She didn’t know much of the bible. She couldn’t read that great, couldn’t speak english, just a proper BM to strive in Bario, and doesn’t go to work in the cities but works a piece of land, tending crops.
Yet God used her to heal the sick, raised the dead, and also cast away demons. And all she had in her head, mind and heart was faith.

The difference between me and her.

I have faith, but i am so fearful to let go of things, people i have in my life.

what ma i supposed to do about it? Things that are facts vs. The voice of truth.

Wanna know a bit more?

try…

Its impossible vs. Its possible, with God.

even when hopes, love, seems to be the smallest micro faith ever.

*to be continued*

i’m tired now.

but it was worth it.

Now i’m back… first thing was to check mail, but my email was reset. facebook…

thanks. never fail to bring me down. beautiful! =)

Rediscovering again.
x.

Psalm 31.

turn to your bible, and read through it.

You’ll notice something about this person. He’s so depressed and sad, that he’s being attacked by his enemies, and worse, a laughing stock to his enemies. He waits for God in everything that he prays for, things that he do. He wait for Him in dire needs, in troubled times. Well, this whole psalm was this persona dying for something to happen. He begs, cries, wishes he not be put to shame for believing in God. With the world as it is today, many are shameful for God.

⁹ Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am in trouble;
         My eye wastes away with grief, 
         Yes, my soul and my body!
 ¹⁰ For my life is spent with grief,
         And my years with sighing; 
         My strength fails because of my iniquity, 
         And my bones waste away.

despite all these worries, upsets, sadness, broken and exhaustion, this closes the chapter.

²³ Oh, love the LORD, all you His saints!
         For the LORD preserves the faithful, 
         And fully repays the proud person.
 ²⁴ Be of good courage,
         And He shall strengthen your heart, 
         All you who hope in the LORD.

again. Hope.Faith. and in everything, LOVE.

A friend of mine pointed out something interesting today. She said that my main weakness was girls. At one point, i thought i was having that as my weakness. But i realized, its not just any other girls. You’ve heard quotes like “you are my sunshine” or “you bring me up, you throw me down”? Exactly. That’s my weakness.

I’ve been talking about my feelings for quite some time, but i tell you, once you’re passionate about something or someone, you wouldn’t realized it but you just want to talk about it/her/him the whole time. If there’s a free time, you want to check her FB, her tweets, her blog, her everything that has to do with that person or field. You just wanna know more about her! i wanna know more about her, i wanna know what she things, what she loves, what she hates, what she does, how she does things, when she does it, everything!

You do it out of love, out of faith, out of the overflowing love, gratitude. And that’s how its supposed to be with Jesus. If i really love Jesus, i’ll completely let go of the old, and take hold of the new. The old habits will need to be discarded, the garbage, the nonsense, the immorality, the lustful desires of the heart, and many more garbage which we took in our life as we live this journey. We hold on to things we thought as important, in reality, they’re actually things that fades away overtime and sometimes disappoint us. That includes our own pride, our own achievement, work, people, etc, making them all felt like you wouldn’t be able to live without, but in fact, those are all gimmick to say that you’re incapable to live alone, when in truth, you were never alone to start. Sometimes, or most of the time i thought go through problems no one has ever been before, but in fact i am completely wrong. We’ve all been blinded by things that distract us from getting the truth.

She wanted to go for YA, but in the end, she didn’t. She wants to stop smoking but invitations to hang out pops out. So many problems all of a sudden. Things seemed to be like a whirlwind, out of nowhere it sweeps you over. Her bf came back, and there she goes.. I could only watch and pray for her wellness. It feels helpless. Really. Words that she said became the pillars i hold on every day. At times it felt like it broke and it got repaired again. What i see contradicts what she says. But yet, i kept on putting fuel to that fire, those words, kept on believing. 

If what of true value for you, wouldn’t you let go of the rest and go for what you thought was important?
Things are harder to decide and done.I know how that feels. And i hope you know how i felt.

What has been amazing for my walk with Jesus so far, is that, in every situation, the lowest especially, He showed me things i’ve never seen before, and when there seems to be no hope, and honestly hopes are one of the things i try so hard not to entertain or tried to kill, because i’m so afraid of getting disappointed. Hope became so prominent. Faith became the connecting bridge. And love became the foundation of the things i do. For things i’ve left hanging, i want to start again. And start it right and finish right. Let Jesus be the foundation of the things i’m building my trust in. In my studies, relationship, work, friends, family, ministry.

And no more saying “i love you”. 

I still couldn’t grasp this phrase. I’m sorry, if i’ve said this to you before. i won’t say it anymore… unless you ask. i’ll tell you. I’ll make sure you feel loved.

I’ve typed all this, and you probably be thinking of hypocrisy after that. THese things i wrote, are my experiences and things i’ve gotten out of the situation i went through. So, its all the past tense. The future are things i hoped for. and i’ve learnt another way to say i love you.

Done.

xx

I’ll buy you chocolates, i’ll pick you up so you won’t drive, i’ll give you surprises, i’ll stay awake and make sure you be home safe, i’ll be helping with whatever i can, i’ll buy you things you never even asked, i’ll get so many chocolates for you, i’ll buy you flowers when you wished for none, i’ll get you handwritten cards, i’ll make sure you’re encouraged every start of your day and week, i’ll be there for you to lash out when you’re angry, i’ll carry you when you’re weak, i’ll make sure the lights are off when you sleep, i’ll sing if i have to make you sleep, i’ll say sorry if i made you angry, i’ll keep on trusting even though i know you lied, i forgive you although i hate it, i’ll keep quite things i saw that hurt me, but if i can’t, please forgive me. I’ll make sure, i smell nice. and this, i wish you know this by heart, i tell you the worst of me, and will give you the best of me, because you deserve no less. 

as if it didn’t hit me enough.

Tonight’s cell was about PASSION.

I just realized, King David is such a passionate man. I never actually looked at it in a big picture. Psalms, who wrote most of it? DAVID. For someone that wrote psalms, he must be emo and passionate about what he was doing. He’s a warrior (strong), king (royalty), judge (wisdom), psalmist (creative), husband (lover), and the best of all, God said he’s a person after His own heart. That’s one passionate man.

I can’t imagine how crazy you could be, so passionate about something, besides dying for it… like what i see on the news. Suicide bombings, sports, but even those, some of em are completely wrong and passionate for different things. Guess what, 1 awesome fact… the word passion, one of its meaning is a representation or basically saying that passion, pictures the suffering and dying of Jesus Christ, on the cross. OMG. its in the dictionary!  and people take passion so lightly. including myself.

1 Samuel 17:26-37

But what really stood out to me was… to be passionate about something, first you have to fall in love with it. person.
Then,

1. Passionate people don’t care what other people think.
2. Passionate people, DON’T GIVE UP.
3. Passionate people are compassionate.

there are more to what was typed up here. I could only read and expect myself to do it… but the fact of the matter is, i’ve failed, all three.

After cell group, we planned to watch movie at G’s place, and i decided to take a ride with Alan’s car (he modified quite a bit on that wira) =). As we were talking about cars, i realized, he’s really passionate about it. He can’t stop talking about it. Even if we just take a break in between conversations, he’ll come with a follow up, on cars. One thing i realized, passionate people are contagious. Their passion tend to overflow and makes you get infected. I’m pretty much caught the disease on car, and so pumped up to find a Honda Civic! (so ah beng i know but i love that car, like how some love Minis..)

Its really inspiring. For me.

I thought it was just some action filled movie just steel smashing steel and stuff, but it was, somehow connected to PASSION as well. urgh. i shouldn’t have watched it. But i did. And it did me some good.

When the father sent his son away to the new foster parents, the kid was so upset and didn’t wanna talk to him. The father kept on asking why and telling why he did it and everything, but it all seems to be for the wrong reason, till the son looked at him and told him, “all i wanted was just for you to fight for me“.

How often have i fought for something i really loved?
When was the last time i produced something out of passion?
I don’t even know whether i’m passionate for things i used to say i’m so passionate about.
Love, passion, it connects. Standing up for something i believe in, defending someone i wish for.
Have i ever fought for someone i love?

God can be a joker sometimes, but i guess it could be His way of telling me, to really search my heart, question it for what is true and what’s useless and not supposed to be in, and to stop giving so many facades to someone you know you can be true and sincere with.

*i love the word facade.*

i’m actually… sigh. God, passion huh? Thanks. A lil heads up earlier with these explanation probably would change the course of what i’m going through. But i guess, i wouldn’t take what You taught me tonight seriously, or at least, those pointed out.
Thank You God. Thank You… i’ll embrace this.

Thank You.

not even close.

accident: no idea. quite a few times when i was a really small kid. got cut on my forehead and had to be sewn(is that what they call it?)
car accident: i think it was 2008. i was late to pick up my brother from the airport, i got into a self accident at a roundabout, causing a whole shit of traffic jam. i drifted. bang. =)just one a half month after i got my ‘P’ license.

guitar: primary… 3-4? some cheap ass guitar but with lots of memories… nostalgic, sentimental values. Dad!

bass: Form 3. i had to score 5 A’s for a five string bass, but i instead, scored, SIX! =D but i still chose a 5 string bass.

Love- at first sight: yes, first sight. i don’t believe it either. God makes fun of me with this. and her too.

Kiss: CHURCH. YES! OMG. hilarious i tell u… but no kiss can take that away. not until i get married i guess? its etched in me. and i don’t wish it to be removed. It was the perfect kiss. Can i say that? yes. *not bullshitting, and don’t be jealous*

Cig: in 2009. Marlboro Black Menthol. Fav.

Beer: everyday is the first beer. lol.

omg, i can’t remember much of my firsts until u ask me face to face. these are some of the, or somehow the closes drawers in my mind for me to pick up and remember. i’m sorry, but yes.

But there were many regrets of firsts that i had as well… some things i wished i never discovered, and some things, i wished it could have been done and dealt better..But the greater the darkness, the greater the light that overcomes it right? =) *that’s hope right there*

There are so many more firsts in my life, sometimes, it felt like i don’t have much time to go for it. The dreams and wishes to come true, so many. Like my first million. and my wife. =) and my first born child! OMG. *lol*

and my Husky pet dog, and my awesome nice Kayan(Porsche Cayenne) car, the cute lil house(too big, my wife and i will feel so small for a big house till we produce kids like cheap factories/ manufacturers of whatever).
k, i’m wayyyy too far.

i’m just preoccupying my mind from something else.

Good morning. have a great day at work people. Hugs, kisses. Misses. Loves.